Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship

I know this book is more meant for any loved ones or other family members of someone with BPD but as someone with BPD myself i actually really enjoy reading this book. I can relate and associate with allot of what's being said and in allot of areas felt i was reading about myself it's so accurate in so many ways, I felt i could really connect with the author and i am not a book lover or reader but this book kept me intrigued and wanting to read more, some books i've read in the past about BPD make me rather depressed, angry and sad as they are written appallingly. Unlike other books and online websites this book does not insult, patronise, scaremonger or anything like that, it's by far the most informative, easy to understand and least insulting/patronising book i have read about BPD, which in my opinion makes a big difference for people like me with BPD and any loved ones or other family members who want to learn more about it, it's like a manual but written in a manor that is empathetic and understanding to persons with BPD and anyone who reads it. The author of this book 'Shari Y. Manning' clearly demonstrates that she understands what she is talking about. From the accuracy of what she's talking about and the way it's written, this book just excels over other books on BPD which is sadly not easy to say as like i have mentioned previously allot of books about BPD are either outdated, somewhat incorrect, insulting, scaremongering just to name a few and does more harm than good whether you have BPD or just wanting to learn more about it. I highly recommend this book if you are looking to learn about BPD or like me want to get a better understanding of my illness, i think people will really appreciate this informative book and the way the author has written this book. Don't hesitate to buy if you want to learn more about BPD, it's like a manual and by far the best book available to date in my opinion.

What a great read. Gives you the perfect insight to someone with BPD.A must read.

This book was a bit too much like a text book to read and I ended up taking notes! Not all of the information and advice was appropriate or relevant to the situation I was trying to manage. However, there were sufficient helpful pointers and practical suggestions for me to recommend this as a book to a) inform about the illness and b) suggest ideas for a strategy that might help support a sufferer. Now further down the line, I would strongly recommend that you don’t over research mental illnesses. I believe that every sufferer experiences their illness in a unique way and there are greater or lesser degrees in the way that symptoms manifest themselves. Every person needs their own ‘plan’ and it takes time to develop. If you do read this book, don’t assume that every BPD sufferer presents in the same way as the extreme cases that are used as illustrations - these are extreme examples. Instead take some positives from it, adapt its ideas and maybe try some you think may suit your experience. To cope with those worst episodes, the best thing I learned from this book was (and this is highly simplified): not to judge, not to affirm negative thoughts and to just be there - often just in silence.

A brilliant insite into the most complex of minds. The book informs and educates. I have spent the last 4 years loving someone whom I knew had issues, and only recently found the answers I needed. Whilst he may not be prepared to admit 100%, he is slowly getting there, and with the help of this book I am learning how to support him. Equally important, I am learning how to help myself and ensure that in time he will get all the support he needs.

There is SO MUCH to read on Borderline Personality on the internet, most of it negative! To love someone with BPD is far from all negative! This book was recommended by therapists delivering DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) to someone I love who has BPD. It is clear, informative and extremely helpful. I wish I had read it when the diagnosis was first made and not read anything else, it would have made life a lot easier and alleviated much worry and anxiety. DBT works, this book helps you know what you can do to help rather than hinder.

Best book yet. We bought them all, and this one was far above the others to help my partner understand how to help me in our relationship and how to understand me. It is so well written, it helps both of us. It is clear and easy to understand. Really fantastic book to give your spouse/ husband/ wife/ boyfriend/ girlfriend or to buy for yourself if you are in a place of willing to support and understand your BPD partner or family member.

A bit scary, possibly scarier than the actual living with someone!

I found this book helped me understand my daughter, how her mind works and how she processes things. It also teaches you how to respond to someone with BPD, when they are spiralling emotionally. I had already benefited before I finished the book, now knowing how to calm situations and help my daughter to regulate her emotions, not adding fuel to the fire as I once did. Not taking the unpleasant things she says to heart, understanding that she is just lashing out, she doesn't mean it. Keeping my emotions in check, so not to escalate things. I would definitely recommend this book.

Einfühlsam, objektiv, gut erklärend und mit wirklich hilfreichen Tipps. Ich denke, dieses Buch kann Ihnen helfen, suchen Sie als Partner/in eines/r Borderliners/in wirklich Hilfe, was SIE tun können - und was Sie nicht mitmachen brauchen (und was sie wie machen sollen). Ich als Betroffene fand jetzt die Beispiele manchmal etwas krass, aber die Ausprägung der Störung ist ja unterschiedlich. Hier lernt an das wertfreie Kommunizieren, auf die eigenen Grenzen zu achten, klar und rücksichtsvoll zu sagen, was die eigenen Bedürfnisse sind. Also wie man mit einem Borderliner kommuniziert, damit er versteht, was man von ihm möchte - und was nicht. Natürlich wird auch erklärt (eben wertfrei), wieso sich jemand mit Borderline-Störung so verhält, wie er sich verhält. Es ist sehr aufschlussreich und verständlich geschrieben. Ich finde, auch Betroffene können sich das Buch als Ratgeber durchlesen, was die Umgangsweise (Kommunikationsleitfäden, Achtsamkeit auf sich selbst) angeht. Sogar für nicht-Borderliner-Beziehungen finde ich den Part der Kommunikation, also wie man sich ausdrückt um Wünsche, Grenzen und Misstände mitzuteilen empfehlenswert. Ist allerdings auf englisch. Das sollte man können. Ich (C-Level) finde es aber nicht zu anspruchsvoll geschrieben. Wer sich auf englisch unterhalten kann, kann auch das Buch verstehen, denke ich. Große Empfehlung! Im Gegensatz zu so vielen anderen Ratgebern zum Thema, wird hier nicht Stigmatisiert, Gekränkt, Schuld hin und her geschoben, gewertet (abgewertet) oder der Borderliner als "schlecht" abgestempelt. Hier wird gezeigt, was in einem Borderliner vor geht. Und es werden Tipps gegeben, wie man sich im verhalten soll, damit es gesund für Beide Seiten bleibt. Damit der/die Angehörige sich nicht manipuliert, missbraucht, überfordert, als Monster oder sonstewie schuldig, gekränkt, enttäuscht oder befremdet fühlt. Allerdings, lässt man sich auf die Tipps ein, bedeutet das auch viel Arbeit an einem selbst. Eine Art sich öffnen für neue Wege und loslassen von Vorwürfen ist schon wichtig. Es ist eben Arbeit im Beziehungsalltag. Verstehen allein reicht ja noch nicht. Im Grunde basiert das Buch auf der DBT. Eine Therapieform für Borderliner. Die Grundaussage ist meiner Meinung nach: Wertfreies Betrachten der EIGENEN Gefühle, schauen, wo die EIGENEN Bedürfnisse sind, ob sie angemessen sind. Schauen, was man selbst tun kann für sein Wohl. Schauen, wo die eigenen Grenzen sind. Und das genannte Kommunizieren dessen. Achtsam vor allem mit sich selbst sein eben. Ich habe mehere Ratgeber zum Thema angeschaut. Diesen finde ich mit Abstand den Besten. Besonders für Angehörige, die einen DBT-Therapierten Borderliner im Boot haben. Falls der Betroffene kein DBT gemacht hat, wird es eventuell sehr viel schwieriger werden, Zugang zum Betroffenen zu finden, trotz Buch und durcharbeiten, denke ich. Ich hoffe, ich konnte Ihnen helfen. Männliche + Weibliche Anredeformen hab ich jetzt drucheinander geschmissen. Ich meine natürlich beide Geschlechter, auch erwähne ich es nicht immer. LG Hanne

Very well written book with real life example for person with borderline disorder and their loved ones

The information in this book is presented in a straightforward and caring fashion, providing clear details and tools for those dealing with someone with BPD. After experiencing several extreme and confusing episodes with a close friend I was left confused, hurt, and frustrated - all feelings validated and confirmed by the information in this book. The descriptions of the common behaviours/reactions of the BPD sufferer presented were clear, insightful, and presented in a compassionate context. It answered many questions and provided many "aha!" moments of clarity and understanding. It allowed me to better understand the situation and the behaviour exhibited by my friend, as well as accepting and putting my feelings and reactions in perspective. It has given me hope and provided skills that I have already begun to employ in the relationship, and things are already going more smoothly. Regardless of the outcome, the skills presented here will be useful in future interactions with anyone in any context. Thank you, Dr. Manning!!

Useful tool for introduction for DBT skills

I'm quite surprised to read some of the negative reviews of this book, as it has been the best help to me BY FAR. I think this should remind all of us that BPD isn't a monolith, that individuals are still individuals, and what works well for one person isn't going to work at all for another. So, try not to get swayed by the emotional language some are using in their reviews, and instead just note the substance of the critique (if any) to determine if the book is likely to aggravate or ameliorate your situation. In working with my own family member, who is not physically violent but is verbally abusive and prone to extremely intense delusions, this book has been a lifesaver. It helps me ground in the reality of what's going on for my loved one, and when I engage the five step process discussed in Chapter 4, my interactions with my loved one get much better. Whenever I forget and revert to other ways of interacting, I get bad results. Some reviewers have pointed to the problems with the author's emphasis on "validation." I understand that this can be very difficult. My loved one lapses into extremely intense angry outbursts of verbal attacks, delusional lies & really aggressive meanness - it's hard, in fact mostly impossible, to find anything to "validate" in those moments, and the author is really clear that you do have to create limits/boundaries to protect yourself when needed. You do not validate the invalid, period. Author is very clear about that. But when my loved one believes that all they are going to receive from me is pushback when they share their observations, their fears, their disordered understanding, they are just pushed farther and farther into their alternate reality. While I cannot "fix" them by "validating," what is happening is that we are having fewer angry outbursts and more time where we can actually talk about real issues. So, a great book, a lifesaving book, and also - LIKE EVERYTHING - not the right fit for everyone. If you read this book and it's not helpful... read another book! Good luck to everyone who is dealing with BPD and associated disorders. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.